Thanksgiving 2015 Eve

Happy Thanksgiving Eve everyone! Gosh I have so much to be thankful for! I am thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, waking up everyday to the cutest puppy dog EVER! I am so thankful for the education that I have been putting myself through, the great career experience I have, and the fact that I still have the abilities that I do, like walking, sharing my life, and being able to do things for myself. I am so thankful for Jason! He is willing to move back to Kansas City, away from the beach, for me, because he knows that is what I need. With all these things that I am thankful for, there are some things that I am sad about too.

Today is my last day working a full day, I will come back on Saturday for a half of day, but today is my last full day. It is somewhat bitter sweet I have been working for the company I am at for almost 4 years, I am good at my job, and I love so many things about my job, but right now I feel like I need to get control of my health. I have no idea what kind of treatment I will be going through once I get home, and I have no idea what I will feel like once that treatment starts. While I am doing all of this I am going to continue to work on my master's degree though. I feel like it will give me something to focus on, plus I am only one year away from being done.

On another note, there is something that I want to get onto the blog which is kind of hard to admit. So, I know my diagnosis, I know logically, as far as numbers go, why I have been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and I know the symptoms that I have that have attributed to me seeking out further care, and it is easy for me to admit that I have multiple myeloma, but it is VERY hard to admit that I have that C word.

The American Cancer Society actually has a page dedicated to "the emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis". Within this page it states that after you are diagnosed with cancer, you may feel shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, sadness, grief, depression, anger, and more. Each person may have some or all of these feelings, and each will handle them in a different way. For me, I know I am struggling with a little disbelief, maybe even a lot, as well as, anxiety, and guilt at this time.

The disbelief is obvious, how can I, at 33, be diagnosed with a cancer that is usually diagnosed in your 50s and 60s? How is it I have this rare type of blood cancer that usually affects men, later in life? After disbelief there is certainly guilt as well. I feel guilty about my diagnosis and how life changing it more than likely will be on my husband and I. We just got married on Sept 26, of this year, less that 3 months ago, and BAM, the big C word has already made that vow in sickness and health something that we have to adhere to, no time to enjoy married life, no time to discuss the future, all the sudden we have been jolted into an unsure future needing to take each day as it comes. For that I feel extremely guilty to my husband! This is the last diagnosis we expected to be hit with.

 

I often wonder now, what have I done to myself, and I wonder that A LOT! I mean sure, there is no doctor on this planet that knows why people get multiple myeloma. No hematologist out there understands why someone's blood starts producing a mutated protein, but still I wonder, was it the Diet Coke I drank every day? Was it the horrific products they call food at some places that I shoved into my body? Could it have been caused by the multitude of different medications I have been on since my back injuries? All of these questions now go through my mind on a daily basis.

I also wonder, how much more pain am I going to deal with in my life? A few back injuries, 5 spinal surgeries, migraines, testing that has caused me pain like a myelogram, and now this. I have no idea the kind of pain the big C word brings about, but I am almost certain that it is the most hellacious pain I will ever feel, which means it will be worse than my back injury, and I don't know how I will be able to take that, so on top of the other feelings I am SCARED! I assume that is normal, especially with a C word that has no cure. 



If anyone in my family is wondering about what to get
me for Christmas, here it is. You can find it on ETSY. LOL
UPDATE: Jason bought it for me today! Thanks Hubby!

Don't worry I am still staying positive and charging ahead at full force, I am just being honest about some of the feelings that are NOT so bright and happy that I have been dealing with. These are, from what I know, normal feelings, and I don't think I should ignore them, I think that I should embrace all the feelings that I have through this time, if even for a minute.


That is all for today, I have a lot to do today, cleaning up my desk, taking pictures with my coworkers to remember them, grocery store shopping so I can get some ingredients to make something yummy to take to Kate and Tommy's family for Thanksgiving tomorrow, and cooking dinner for Jason and I. Thank you so much for reading today, for the support, and as always, #Advocateforyourhealth